I've been talking to my ex for a few weeks now. He was my first love, first boyfriend, first fiance. I loved this man for about four years of my young life. Last year, we started talking again after two years of silence. Everything was doin so well, til he dropped the bomb. He had a kid on the way. Something he's wanted for years. I was heartbroken; thinking maybe we were meant to be afterall (from our convos). A few weeks ago, we started talking again (totally my fault). Just in convo, I find out that he's married and has another baby on the way. WTF? There I went, checkin right back into heartbreak hotel!!! Hurt! So hurt! But why? I've moved on right? I've dated. I've thought I was close to loving again. Had your girl all kinds of confused. How could it be that he still had the power to hurt me? Does that mean I still love him?
I tried doing some solo self discovery. My conclusion was this: I believe that the idea of everything good he brought 2 my life, the love, the security, the assurance that he could take care of me, and take me away from all that hurt/was wrong n the world was pulling me 2 him; because he was safe, because he was the only man I have EVER shared that with. I think that I also may be a lil jealous of him having a family and all because of what we had planned to have. Hear me now, I am fully aware that I do not want or need what he has right now, BUT we were intense and he was my first love. I guess there's always gonna be some kind of weird attraction about him. Maybe it's true bout always carin for your first love.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
i def know what you mean. it's so wierd to say that you've moved on, while you are experiencing emotional attachment to your first love subconsciously. To this day, I find myself averting my eyes from my first love when he comes around. It's so awkward...like it's been years. why am i still uptight around his girlfriend and he? i guess that's love and that's just life. i guess. anywho, nice post.
ReplyDelete