Hmmmm

Sooo, dating... I don't really know what more to say about that. I'm not doing a good job at it. lol On the other hand, I'm quite happy with my life. I guess that's more important. I know from my last experience that...hold on, what did I learn? Don't get me wrong, I don't regret spending time with him, I care about him a lot, but u can't make somebody b who u think they are. I hope that made sense.

I want to be wanted. I don't really think I want or need a boyfriend right now. I just want a man to run to and take the bullshit away, if only for a moment. I'm sure that will come in due time, but DAGNABBIT!!!! lol I've learned that just because someone shares a love for knowledge and humor, it doesn't mean ur meant to be together. Sometimes, friends are awesome too. I miss havin a boo; one that can be there for me. I expect someone to come see me, meet me somewhere, take me out, hold my hand, make me giggle, make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world (I kno the truth, but dang must I hear about every chick u find attractive?), I could run on and on, but this isn't a dating site.

I'm not super bummed about not having a significant other, but there are those lonely days that suck major donkey balls! I'd love to have someone to think about when my mind wanders in class tho. It is what it is. God knows what's best and He will guide me thru everything. My heart is in His hands.

Dating is Stupid!

Yes. I said it! Dating is stupid. Mind you, that's just how I feel; however, I feel this way all the time. During good times and bad. You ask, why do you feel this way? My answer. BECAUSE IT IS! I hate the whole thing! The calling, the not calling, the waiting for a call/text, the question if I should call/text, the want for attention and not receiving it, the communication, the lack of communication, I think you get the point. I hate it all!!!

I believe my entire dating life started off on the wrong foot. I never really got the hang of choosing the right guy for me. I don't really know the meaning of this thing called a "healthy relationship." I don't blame this on anyone, I guess it's just my fault. Who to choose? What to believe? What do I deserve? things of that sort. I just don't know. I'd rather be alone and want someone close to me at the same time. I've had so much hurt, I'd rather beat them to the punch. I don't see the point anymore. I don't want to love anymore, but I do.

Maybe I'm giving the past too much power. I just don't see the point in letting someone in, who may hurt me the worst in the end. Why open yourself up to pain? Fuck that! Life hurts enough without giving someone permission to kill your soul. (I know that was super dramatic.)

I sit and listen to friends' realtionship problems and I hear my beautiful sisters hurt and angry and sad, and I wonder if I really want to go through that again and again. I don't want to hurt again, but does it hurt more to go without those experiences? Love brings the most excruciating pain there is. They leave. They die. They hit. Isn't that enough for a lifetime? How can I trust another person, when I've been shown that I can only really count on myself? God, of course, but as far as man? I can't. I give and give. What do I get back? Nothing. Ever. I'm a loving person, but it hurts to give it away. I care too much. I give too many chances. I don't know. I'm clueless.

Let the Past, Be the Past Part 2

How do you let go of past disappointments, and allow ur next dream to be fulfilled? There is no way to escape the hurt. Even if u live happily ever after, ur spouse could pass before you. N man, to have someone u care about emotionally, spiritually, and romantically pass, during the course of your relationship...it's heartbreaking! (I want to add more exclammation points, but there is no amount that could make u imagine that pain.) To see the one who brought life to everyone, lost his. It's mindblowing!!! Laying there, still, his shell. His fukcin shell; and I didn't see him anywhere in there. It was his spirit I loved.

After you learn from the bad experiences, how do you use that knowledge? You keep opening yourself up, to get hurt again. I realize this is the pessimist's view of dating, but I'm just goin on what I've been through. Is this subject to change? Yes, but for now. I am allowing my past to determine my present and future possible happiness. Ugh! This part 2 might have a 2 1/2:-/

Let the Past Be the Past, Part 1

I've been talking to my ex for a few weeks now. He was my first love, first boyfriend, first fiance. I loved this man for about four years of my young life. Last year, we started talking again after two years of silence. Everything was doin so well, til he dropped the bomb. He had a kid on the way. Something he's wanted for years. I was heartbroken; thinking maybe we were meant to be afterall (from our convos). A few weeks ago, we started talking again (totally my fault). Just in convo, I find out that he's married and has another baby on the way. WTF? There I went, checkin right back into heartbreak hotel!!! Hurt! So hurt! But why? I've moved on right? I've dated. I've thought I was close to loving again. Had your girl all kinds of confused. How could it be that he still had the power to hurt me? Does that mean I still love him?

I tried doing some solo self discovery. My conclusion was this: I believe that the idea of everything good he brought 2 my life, the love, the security, the assurance that he could take care of me, and take me away from all that hurt/was wrong n the world was pulling me 2 him; because he was safe, because he was the only man I have EVER shared that with. I think that I also may be a lil jealous of him having a family and all because of what we had planned to have. Hear me now, I am fully aware that I do not want or need what he has right now, BUT we were intense and he was my first love. I guess there's always gonna be some kind of weird attraction about him. Maybe it's true bout always carin for your first love.

Dating Faux Pas

I was asked on a date by a guy I'm not particularly interested in, but treat me well. I agreed to go, with the assumption that this was a "real" date vs the other times we've gone out. I climb my ass n2 his pickemup n we're off. "This fool betta not take me to a buffet," was the thought I had as we left my house. I quickly dismissed this crazy thought. Why on earth would ne sane man take his date 2 a buffet? Right? WRONG! That's exactly where he took me. Passing the nice dinner and movie spot!

Now, why didn't I let him know that I felt like slapping him? Why didn't I demand that he take me home? Why did I care so much about his feelings? I ask all these questions to myself, but I also ask of him, why the F would u take me there? Am I not worth a nicer place? Can u at least take me to Ryan's or Golden Corral? Why am I settling for mediocrity in my dating life? Am I that desperate for some type of male contact? Sadly, yes. Most of the times. That is the case. Help please?

Looking for daddy...

Welcome welcome! This is my very first blog, so excuse me if it's a lil raw. I am beginning my posts as a series titled "Looking for daddy." I will document my different experiences, past and present, in the world of dating. Like many of you, I will do a lil self-discovery. My main question is, "Having I been dating certain men, and subconsciously longing for a father figure?" Hopefully, we all can benefit. Let's Go!